How to Stop People-Pleasing and Start Standing Up for Yourself Today
You see the text come in.
Can you help me move this weekend?
Can you cover my shift?
Can you take on this extra project?
And before you've even processed how you actually feel about it, you've already typed back: "Sure! No problem!"
Then the regret hits.
Why did I say yes? I don't have time for this. I don't even want to do this.
But backing out now would make you look flaky. Or selfish. Or like a bad friend.
So you do it anyway. And then feel resentful. Exhausted. Taken advantage of.
If this sounds familiar, you might be struggling with people-pleasing.
And if you are, know that you're not alone. It's one of the most common patterns I see in my work as a clinical psychologist. But it's also one that you can overcome with time and effort.
What Is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is a pattern of behavior in which someone acts and speaks in a way that accommodates the needs of others, typically to the detriment of their own needs.
Let me be clear: this isn't the same as being kind, helpful, or generous.
The difference?
When you're genuinely helping someone, it comes from a place of choice. You want to help. It feels aligned with your values.
When you're people-pleasing, you're saying yes out of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of conflict. Fear of being disliked or criticized.
People-pleasing usually comes from a place of insecurity and a desire to be valued and accepted. It often has its roots in our childhoods, and messages we received about our worth early on.
Maybe you learned that:
Your needs don't matter as much as others'
Saying no makes you selfish or ungrateful
Being "good" means never disappointing anyone
Your value depends on what you can do for others
Those messages are hard to shake. But they can be unlearned.
Why Do We People-Please? Understanding the Triggers
People-pleasing doesn't just happen randomly. It's usually triggered by specific fears that developed early in life.
Here are the most common ones:
Fear of Rejection and Abandonment
"If I say no, they'll stop liking me. They'll leave."
This fear often stems from experiences where love felt conditional, like you had to earn it by being agreeable, helpful, or easy to deal with. The thought of someone being upset with you or pulling away feels unbearable, so you say yes to everything to keep them close.
Fear of Conflict and Anger
"If I set a boundary, they'll get angry. I can't handle that."
Many people-pleasers grew up in environments where conflict was scary, unpredictable, or even dangerous. Maybe you had a parent who exploded when things didn't go their way. Maybe you learned that disagreement leads to disconnection. Either way, keeping the peace became your survival strategy.
Fear of Criticism and Being Disliked
"If I don't do this, they'll think I'm selfish. They'll judge me."
People-pleasers often carry a harsh inner critic that tells them they're not doing enough, being enough, or giving enough. The fear of external judgment mirrors that internal voice, making it feel unbearable to risk someone thinking poorly of you.
Fear of Losing Control or Not Being Needed
"If I'm not helping, what's my purpose? Who am I if I'm not useful?"
For some people-pleasers, being needed is tied to identity. Saying yes makes you feel valuable and important. Saying no feels like becoming irrelevant or unnecessary, and that's terrifying.
Do any of these resonate?
If so, take a breath. You're not broken. You're just operating from old programming that was designed to keep you safe. The good news? You can change it.
The Cost of People-Pleasing
Before we dive into how to stop people-pleasing, I want to name something important: people-pleasing has a real cost.
When you constantly accommodate others at the expense of yourself, you:
Lose touch with what you actually want. You've been so focused on what everyone else needs that you don't even know what you need anymore.
Build resentment. When you say yes but feel no, resentment builds. And that resentment eventually leaks out, in passive-aggressive comments, withdrawal, or sudden explosions.
Attract one-sided relationships. People who respect boundaries will respect your "no." But people who don't? They'll keep taking as long as you keep giving. People-pleasing trains others to expect your yes.
Exhaust yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup. Constantly overextending yourself leads to burnout, anxiety, and feeling depleted.
Abandon yourself. Every time you say yes when you mean no, you're telling yourself: Your needs don't matter. Other people are more important than you.
And over time, that becomes what you believe.
But it doesn't have to be this way.
How to Stop People-Pleasing: Practical Steps You Can Start Today
Breaking free from people-pleasing isn't about becoming selfish or uncaring. It's about learning to value your own needs as much as you value others'.
Here's how to start:
1. Identify Your People-Pleasing Behavior
The first step is awareness. You can't change what you don't notice.
Start paying attention to when you say yes when you'd rather say no.
Ask yourself:
When have I said yes to someone when I would rather have said no?
Is this a pattern I've noticed when interacting with this person?
Why do I think I said yes? What was I afraid would happen if I said no?
Just noticing the pattern, without judgment, is powerful. You don't have to fix it yet. Just see it.
If you're someone who benefits from a structured approach to building self-awareness, you might find it helpful to practice daily mindfulness check-ins. Even 30 seconds of checking in with yourself can help you notice when you're about to say yes from obligation rather than genuine desire.
2. Establish Boundaries for Your Time and Energy
Boundaries aren't walls. They're not about shutting people out. They're guidelines for how you want to be treated and how you want to treat yourself.
Setting boundaries means deciding:
How much time and energy you realistically have
What you're willing and not willing to do
What matters most to you
Start with something small. For example:
"I don't take phone calls after 8pm."
"I need at least 24 hours' notice for social plans."
"I can't take on extra work projects right now."
You don't need to justify these boundaries. They're just facts about how you operate best.
If you've never really practiced setting boundaries before, it can feel overwhelming to start. That's why I often recommend starting with something like the Free 7-Day Mindfulness Challenge, which helps you build the foundation of self-awareness you need to know where your boundaries even are.
3. Start Small: Practice Saying No in Low-Stakes Situations
If saying no in person feels impossible, start with text.
If saying no to your boss feels terrifying, start by saying no to a friend asking for a small favor.
Small wins build confidence.
Try:
"I can't make it, but thank you for thinking of me."
"That doesn't work for my schedule, but I hope it goes well!"
"I'm not available, but I appreciate you asking."
Notice: no explanation. Just a polite, direct decline.
The more you practice in low-stakes situations, the easier it becomes in higher-stakes ones.
4. Set Goals and Priorities So You Know What Matters Most to You
When you're clear on your priorities, it's easier to say no to things that don't align with them.
Take a few minutes to write down:
What are my top 3 priorities this week/month? (Work project? Family time? Rest? A personal goal?)
Does this request support those priorities, or pull me away from them?
If it's pulling you away from what matters most, it's a no.
This isn't selfish. It's strategic. You can't do everything. And trying to do everything means doing nothing well.
5. Don't Say "Yes" Right Away: Give Yourself Time to Decide
One of the most powerful phrases you can learn is:
"Let me think about that and get back to you."
This simple sentence buys you time to:
Check in with yourself about whether you actually want to do it
Consider your schedule and energy levels
Make a decision without the pressure of someone waiting for an immediate answer
And here's the thing: most people are totally fine with waiting for your response. The urgency you feel? That's internal. You're creating pressure that doesn't actually exist.
Practice saying, "Let me think about that" and notice how much easier it is to make clear decisions when you're not in the moment.
6. Help When You Want to Help, Not Out of Fear or Guilt
There's a big difference between:
"I'm saying yes because I genuinely want to support this person and it aligns with my values" (healthy)
"I'm saying yes because I'll feel guilty, anxious, or bad about myself if I don't" (people-pleasing)
Before you say yes to anything, pause and ask yourself:
Am I doing this because I want to, or because I'm afraid of how I'll feel if I don't?
Will I resent this later?
Am I abandoning my own needs to accommodate someone else's?
If the answer makes you uncomfortable, pause. Reconsider. You're allowed to change your mind.
7. Avoid Making Excuses: Be Direct and Say No
You don't owe anyone a dissertation on why you can't do something.
Instead of: "I can't because my sister's coming to town and I have a dentist appointment and my car is in the shop and I'm really behind on work..."
Try: "I'm not available, but thanks for asking."
The more you explain, the more you open yourself up to negotiation. A simple, kind "no" is complete. It doesn't need justification.
If you feel like you need to soften it, you can add:
"I wish I could help, but I'm not available."
"That doesn't work for me, but I hope you find someone!"
But you don't need to explain why it doesn't work. Your no is enough.
What to Expect When You Start Setting Boundaries
I want to be honest with you about what happens when you start saying no and setting boundaries.
At first, it's going to feel uncomfortable.
Your nervous system is used to saying yes. It's used to accommodating. Saying no might trigger guilt, anxiety, or fear, even when you're doing the right thing.
That discomfort doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. It means you're doing something new.
Some people might not like it.
And that's okay.
The people who genuinely care about you will respect your boundaries. They might be surprised at first, but they'll adjust.
The people who push back, guilt-trip you, or make you feel bad for having limits? That tells you something important about the relationship.
This is where people-pleasing often shows up most intensely, in our close relationships where the stakes feel highest. If you're realizing that people-pleasing is causing tension or resentment in your relationships, especially when it comes to conflict or difficult conversations, I've put together some practical tools that might help. The Relationship Repair Toolkit, includes frameworks for setting boundaries, communicating your needs without guilt, and repairing when things don't go perfectly.
You'll start to feel more like yourself.
When you stop abandoning your needs for everyone else, something shifts.
You have more energy. More clarity. More space to figure out what you actually want.
And that's where real, reciprocal relationships can grow, relationships based on mutual respect, not just what you can do for someone.
One Thing to Try This Week
If you're ready to start breaking the people-pleasing cycle, here's what I want you to do:
Pick one small area where you tend to say yes when you mean no.
Maybe it's:
Social plans you don't actually want to attend
Extra work tasks that aren't your responsibility
Family obligations that drain you
This week, practice saying no once.
Just once.
Notice:
How it feels in your body
What thoughts come up (guilt? fear? relief?)
How the other person responds
Whether anything terrible actually happens (spoiler: it probably won't)
Write it down in the space below or in your journal. What's one method you'll try this week?
You Deserve to Have Needs
Let me say this clearly, because I think you need to hear it:
You are not selfish for having needs.
You are not mean for saying no.
You are not difficult for wanting your time and energy respected.
You're human. And humans have limits.
By implementing these boundaries, you'll start to feel better about yourself, and those around you will begin to respect your time and energy.
It takes practice. It won't be perfect. But it's worth it.
People-Pleasing and Relationship Dynamics
Here's something I've noticed in my work: people-pleasing doesn't just affect how you feel about yourself. It affects your relationships.
When you constantly say yes when you mean no, it creates patterns:
You build resentment toward the people you're constantly accommodating
You attract people who take advantage of your inability to set boundaries
You struggle to have honest conversations because you're so focused on keeping the peace
You have trouble repairing after conflict because you don't know how to express what you actually need
If any of this resonates, you're not alone. And the good news is that learning to stop people-pleasing often goes hand-in-hand with learning to communicate more consciously in your relationships.
That's why I created the Relationship Repair Toolkit. It includes practical worksheets for setting boundaries, having difficult conversations without defensiveness, and expressing your needs clearly. Because once you start saying no to what you don't want, you also need tools for saying what you do want.
Building a Foundation of Self-Awareness
One of the most helpful things you can do as you work on people-pleasing is to build a regular practice of checking in with yourself.
Not in a heavy, time-consuming way. Just small moments throughout your day where you pause and ask:
What do I actually want right now?
What do I need?
Am I about to say yes from obligation or genuine desire?
If you're looking for a simple way to start building this habit, I send out a weekly newsletter called 30 Second Reset with quick practices for staying grounded and connected to yourself. It's designed for busy people who don't have hours for self-reflection but know they need to check in more regularly.
And if you want something more structured to get started, the Free 7-Day Mindfulness Challenge walks you through one simple practice each day to build awareness. It's a gentle entry point if mindfulness feels intimidating or if you've tried meditation before and felt like you were "bad at it."
Your Turn
Do you have any other tips for stopping people-pleasing? What's helped you start setting boundaries?
Share in the comments below. I'd love to hear what's working for you.
With you in this work,
Leah 💗
